Playing Not to Lose or
Playing to Win?
Playing to Win?
By Inga Stasiulionyte
When life throws serious challenges our way, it’s easy to feel trapped, like there’s no real choice in how we respond. The stakes are high - losing a game, disappointing your boss, facing humiliation, letting yourself down, getting fired, or struggling with financial insecurity. These fears create a storm of shame and anxiety that drives us to act reactively, doing what’s demanded of us just to keep our heads above water. This is reactive survival mode - a deeply ingrained instinct meant to protect us.
This protective instinct - to please others in order to be accepted and validated - was born of evolutionary necessity and kept us safe in tribal societies, ensuring survival. Yet, in modern life, this same instinct can trap and limit us. Survival mode - the playing not to lose mindset - is at odds with what it takes to thrive and achieve the extraordinary things we are capable of.
This protective instinct - to please others in order to be accepted and validated - was born of evolutionary necessity and kept us safe in tribal societies, ensuring survival. Yet, in modern life, this same instinct can trap and limit us. Survival mode - the playing not to lose mindset - is at odds with what it takes to thrive and achieve the extraordinary things we are capable of.
To play to win is to step beyond the confines of self-preservation. How would you describe the playing to win mindset? What does it take to silence survival mode and lean into the pursuit of success?
I invite you to share your thoughts. Reply using the form below.
Here are some brilliant answers from you that I would love to share:
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I don’t know, but I sense that excellence is a long and permanent journey, where each game serves as a test to reveal your weaknesses. Was it the serves? The backhand? The positioning on the court? Whatever it was, it presents opportunities for improvement. Data never lies, and such experiences should be reframed as part of the process. I would be delighted to keep the conversation going and hear what others have to say about it! Big hug from Colombia—it has been almost 15 years since we met in Monaco!
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One thing that comes up for me with the "Playing To Win" mindset is... using this mindset to connect with the "Playing To Win" muscle <-- from mindset to action.
We all have this muscle is just a matter of how we use it. Is this muscle worn out from attacking giant challenges? Is it atrophied from lack of use?
Taking inventory of this has been helpful to me. Great work here, Inga!
We all have this muscle is just a matter of how we use it. Is this muscle worn out from attacking giant challenges? Is it atrophied from lack of use?
Taking inventory of this has been helpful to me. Great work here, Inga!
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This is a great point, Joe Jacobi — it connects to the Training to… Train / Compete / Win framework. It cannot be “Game Time” 100% of the time (nor can it be “practice” or “recovery” time 100% of the time). Throws the muscle use / development / rest rhythm out of balance. Applies to physical / mental / spiritual “muscles”.
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As a salesperson, I believe sales, like sports, is a continuous process of overcoming setbacks on the path to success. Mind over matter and not taking things personally are key, but rejection can feel personal, making it challenging. What’s helped me is reframing setbacks as stepping stones, seeing each 'no' as part of the journey to the right 'yes.' Celebrate the small wins, stay curious, and remember, the outcome doesn’t define you, your persistence does. Focus on the wins, learn from the losses, and always move on to the next!
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Thanks for sharing, Inga. Indeed, emotions associated with reactive states have an evolutionary purpose. At the same time, these reactive emotions (e.g., fight, fear, freeze, and faint) limit our resilience and ability to perform under pressure. One way to address these emotions is by surrounding ourselves with supportive people who foster receptive emotions, such as gratitude, joy, connection, and trust (i.e., the mind is an emergent property from the interaction between our brains and our relationships). These receptive emotions help create a sense of psychological safety, allowing us the freedom to adapt, remain composed, and play to win!
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I love this. If you ask my team why we play they will tell you to win. The key is not just to win but to do so with no regrets. Part of our role is to manage the risk for the organization so in doing so it is possible to win but really lose.This mindset can apply to other aspects as well.
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What does it take to silence survival mode and lean into the pursuit of success?
I’ve worked hard with my inner-critic who has always been there to keep me in survival mode. My key insight came when I stopped fighting against that voice and instead embraced him. I now listen with curiosity and ask “what are you trying to protect?”
This simple step has helped me look at situations through a different lens and put my inner-critic to work doing something else when I don’t need protecting.
It’s an awesome process.
I’ve worked hard with my inner-critic who has always been there to keep me in survival mode. My key insight came when I stopped fighting against that voice and instead embraced him. I now listen with curiosity and ask “what are you trying to protect?”
This simple step has helped me look at situations through a different lens and put my inner-critic to work doing something else when I don’t need protecting.
It’s an awesome process.
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